November: Slow Days, Full Hands
November came with a heavier rhythm, even though I had started taking more leave to use up my annual days off. I thought stepping away from work once in a while would ease the load, but the truth is life outside the office didn’t slow down either. It felt like trying to steal a breath in between waves, only to find another one already on its way.
Work grew thicker, busier, almost like everything decided to arrive at once. Sometimes I wondered whether it was simply the workload… or if I was quietly burning out without realizing it.
Financially, things remained tight. Nothing new, but still exhausting. I couldn’t freely use the salary I brought home. There were too many things lined up: school fees, our helper’s salary, utilities, kitchen essentials, and the constant, invisible expenses that simply come with living. I tried my best not to burden my husband, not to add weight to his shoulders. He still didn’t have a stable job, relying on uncertain freelance projects. Yet somehow, he always managed to fill the gaps. Part of me was grateful, another part worried he might be leaning on the credit card more than he admitted. That fear alone kept me cautious so I wouldn’t add to his burden, financially or mentally.
I often thought about letting our helper go, just to ease the monthly expenses. But then reality answered quickly: Who would take care of the chaos left by a toddler? Who would iron, sweep, mop, and handle the mountain of daily chores when I already spent my days working and managing everything in the kitchen? I knew I couldn’t do all of it. And expecting my husband to share the load wasn’t an option, he simply wouldn’t. Having a helper is one of the few things that keeps me from losing my sanity.
Sometimes, I wondered if I should take a part-time job. But where I live, part-time work, especially at night isn’t common. And honestly, I wasn’t sure where I’d even find the energy. I saw people out there juggling multiple roles effortlessly, as if they were immune to exhaustion. Meanwhile, even small fatigue could knock me down. The world felt unforgiving. And in darker moments, I found myself wondering, if life is this hard, will the afterlife be harsher still?
Emotionally, November felt like walking with too much to carry. Overwhelmed, that might be the closest word. Nothing ever felt quite enough. I kept searching for answers about why my child’s weight wasn’t improving, bouncing between worry, frustration, and guilt. Maybe that was what drained me most, feeling like I wasn’t doing enough, even when I was doing everything I could.
And yet, in a strange way, I’m grateful. The days felt slow while living them, but now that I look back, they passed quickly. Maybe that’s November’s quiet lesson: It’s okay to move slowly, as long as you don’t stop.