March: No Off Button
Wow, March feels incredibly full of highlights. Some of them could even stand as their own stories, because I truly felt overwhelmed by waves of emotions coming one after another.
The world doesn’t feel okay. News about the conflict between Iran and the United States even made its way into my dreams. I dreamed about a bomb explosion, I was not as the main target, but still affected by the blast. It felt so painful, so real, that I woke up crying in fear, the pain still lingering as if it were real.
At the same time, social media has been filled with discussions about the end of times according to the Qur’an. Many people are sharing the signs, as if everything is already so close and clearly unfolding. It made me even more afraid. But I also realize that I don’t fully know which ones truly come from the Qur’an and hadith, and which ones have been distorted. In the end, only Allah knows the truth.
Then came the news of Vidi Aldiano’s passing. I didn’t know him personally, and I didn’t really follow his life closely. But somehow, his positive aura reached through the screen. There was something different about him. When he passed away, I felt a sense of loss. Social media was filled with stories about his kindness, about how he kept smiling through his illness. He was called the Ambassador of Friendship, and it didn’t feel like just a title. His sincerity felt real.
His struggle against illness reminded me of the story of Nabi Ayyub about patience in enduring long trials. I couldn’t even bring myself to open social media for a while because my heart felt heavy with sadness. It’s strange how someone we’ve never met can move us so deeply. Then I thought… if an ordinary person can have such an impact, what about Nabi Muhammad? His passing must have been an unimaginable grief for his entire ummah.
Amid all of this, my fear of the world only grew stronger. And yet, life goes on sometimes in the simplest ways… tiring, but also quietly comforting.
This month, we also traveled back to my hometown for Eid. Traveling with a toddler turned out to be full of unexpected moments. Annoying? Yes. But at the same time, it made me smile. It felt like, “ah… life really does have its own way of surprising us.” Even my parents were overwhelmed taking care of my endlessly active child. Toddlers really are like they’re missing an “off” button, haha.
There was one particularly “epic” moment. We had to stop for almost two hours at a rest area just because my child spilled a large amount of drinking water so much that my pants were completely soaked. And this happened right after we had just resumed the trip. We had no choice but to stop, while the rest area was crowded and the toilet lines were incredibly long. So we decided to just wait it out until lunchtime. But then, we got ripped off, just a simple penyetan meal somehow cost over 100,000 rupiah. When you think about it, iced tea + rice + fried catfish was nearly 50,000 on its own. Crazy expensive. But well… what could we do? All I could do was laugh. Sometimes life just doesn’t make sense.
In the middle of exhaustion, frustration, and all the discomfort… there were still small moments that felt warm. Moments that one day might be remembered as simple stories worth missing.
At the same time, the past suddenly resurfaced. My ex sent me a follow request on Instagram. I haven’t accepted it until now. Not because I’m not over the past, but because I’m learning to protect myself from things that are no longer important in my life.
How can I divide myself not only as a “rib,” but also as a “backbone”?
I still believe that God is Most Wise. And somehow, that belief alone is what’s still holding my heart together… even as it slowly feels like it’s falling apart.